Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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