I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
