Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize