You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
