Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
