accomplished twins. life is a go
My balls are so social today.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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