You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
