Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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