Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
