so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
