we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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