how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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