It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
