I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize