I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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