you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
