Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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