you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I touched a dick in church today
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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