Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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