Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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