You can't special order awesome
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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