smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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