ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
