im six kinds of drunk right now
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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