i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
