his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
