It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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