Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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