This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My bed smells like the plague
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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