Got a toothbrush?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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