Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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