bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
