i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
