i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
