I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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