i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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