I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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