I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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