I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
