I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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