I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
