I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
