People in love make me want to vomit
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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