I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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