If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
