I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
