omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
