but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize