I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
