You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
