Your tits are I can't wait for
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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