After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
