Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
