This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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