So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
