I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize