Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
