rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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