Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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