thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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