I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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