God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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