I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
