My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
