Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
