then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
