He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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