I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
