you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
