if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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