i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
