she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
