Heybabeimwearingurpanties
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
