Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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